How to support someone who has lost a loved one at the front. A psychologist’s advice

Losing a loved one in war is a trauma in which grief, loss of meaning in life, anger, pride (for the fallen Hero) and an unbearable sense of injustice are intertwined. Being there and finding the right words is difficult. However, it is possible. Your presence and support can become a lifeline.

Together with the psychological support service KRISENCHAT UKRAINE and the Memorial of Heroes remembrance platform, we have prepared professional advice on how to support someone who has lost a loved one at the front.

HOW LOSS IS EXPERIENCED

The inner world of loss is complex. A person may experience freezing, guilt, and emotional swings - a multitude of feelings at once.

Freezing is a “frozen” state in which it is difficult to concentrate even on basic things like eating or sleeping. Reality narrows drastically, and it feels as if your life has stopped.

Guilt attacks through thoughts that he/she could have been saved or that at least something else could have been said in the last conversation. Feelings of guilt can overwhelm someone even for continuing to live.

Emotional swings are jumps from anger to sadness, from bright gratitude to helplessness. It is important not to shame someone for this or impose “the right” way to grieve.

WHAT IS SUPPORT

In a state of loss, a person needs a safe space where they can grieve in any way, and human contact to hold on to when all their inner supports have collapsed. In other words, support is presence, acceptance, and attention.

The best support is where there is an ability to withstand a person’s pain, the tsunami of their feelings, and still remain by their side. Don’t give advice, judge, or compare - simply be there. Sometimes support means going to the store, and sometimes it means listening.

Support is not always about words. However, there are phrases we recommend avoiding so as not to cause pain (even if they are said with good intentions).

PHRASES THAT HURT

“It’s time to move on,” “You have to be strong,” “Don’t be sad,”

“It will get easier with time,”“Look at the situation from a different perspective,”

“The same thing happened to someone I know,”“You’re still young,”

“Now he/she is in heaven,”“Everything will work out,” etc.

Such words devalue the pain and create distance. A grieving person does not need advice or promises. They need safe contact with someone who is not afraid of their feelings and does not judge them.

WORDS THAT HEAL

“I’m here with you. If you want to talk or simply spend time together, I’m here.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Your [son/husband/wife] is a true Hero. They are remembered and valued.”

“If you want, tell me about him/her. I want to know more about the person you love.”

These phrases acknowledge the pain and focus on the grieving person. They show that you understand the loss, respect the memory, and give the person the right to choose how and when they need support. If you don’t know what to say, ask:

“How are you right now?”
“Are there any things, events, or people that give you even a drop of strength?”
“Are you managing to get at least a little rest?” “What did you eat today?”

It’s wonderful when questions are specific and bring a person back to reality. They allow them to talk about their physical state (sleep, food) or small victories (a drop of strength) - this helps them ground themselves in the present and feel that someone cares about their basic needs, rather than forcing them to immediately share traumatic thoughts.

THE POWER OF SMALL ACTS

Caring initiative is very important. In a state of acute grief, a person often lacks the energy to formulate requests or make decisions. Specific offers relieve them of the burden of choosing and focus on practical needs. This is pure, unconditional help that creates a sense that the world has not completely fallen apart.

“Can I drop by and bring you lunch? I’ll be nearby and leave it by the door.”

“I can pick up your children from school/daycare tomorrow.”

“I can simply listen, without advice or judgment, whenever you feel comfortable.”

“Would you like to go for a short walk?”

BEING HONEST WORKS

It’s important to understand that you can only offer the support you’re capable of at this point in your life. That’s okay. If you feel lost, don’t be afraid to be honest:

“I can see that you’re having a hard time. I want to support you, but I don’t know how because I’m afraid of hurting you. Tell me, do you want me to be present or talk right now?”

Such sincere efforts to connect are much better than avoidance. Even your smallest gesture of support matters.

Let’s sum up: a grieving person needs a safe space and human connection. Be there, ask questions, listen. You can also suggest talking to a psychotherapist - a safe place for emotions and thoughts.

Free psychological support is available 24/7 at KRISENCHAT UKRAINE in chat format.