How to talk to people whose loved ones are on the front line. A psychologist’s advice

Almost all of us have someone on the front line: friends, relatives, colleagues, or acquaintances. This experience has become collective, yet we still go through it differently. Another person’s vulnerability can sometimes paralyze us, and offering our support is not always easy. The main thing to remember is that people waiting for their loved ones at the front live under constant stress. They don’t need sympathy or pity. They need human warmth, attention, and respect for what they are going through.

How to be there without causing harm - we’re exploring this together with the psychological support service KRISENCHAT UKRAINE.

JUST LISTEN

Perhaps the most important thing you can give - it means being present and accepting. And yes, offering these things can sometimes be difficult, because it requires your own resources. But if you’re able to listen attentively and bear the pain of the person beside you, you give them a sense of an “emotional refuge” and the immense relief we can feel when we are accepted along with our pain.

Don’t be afraid to listen. And when someone shares, don’t change the subject, judge their feelings, compare them with others, or try to minimize their pain.

What you can say: “If you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

ASK HOW THEY ARE DOING AT A SPECIFIC MOMENT

This eases tension and focuses attention on the person themselves, not only on their pain. Talk about the details of their day or week. Be the one who restores their small anchors in life.

What you can ask: “How are you today?” “What did you do this weekend?” “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

CREATE A SENSE OF “US”

Your words and actions can ease the pressure of the circumstances. You can pause together for a minute of silence - and that alone can give the other person a sense of wholeness. Because we’re doing this together. You can invite them somewhere or simply ask how they’re doing.

What you can say: “I’m here,” “You’re not alone,” “I’m with you,” “Shall we go for coffee?” “I just wanted to say that you’re important to me.”

SHOW SIMPLE CARE

If the person is someone you know and close to - you can buy flowers or fruit, offer to help with the children, or make everyday life easier. Even small actions change everything.

If someone you don’t know has shared their pain with you - show the simplest care that is appropriate and available to you in that particular situation.

What you can say: «“If you need anything - just say so,” “Is there anything I can help with?”

Even better, be specific: “Would you like me to bring you some groceries?”

DO NOT SPEAK IN GENERALITIES

The classic “everything will be fine” is empty wording that sounds like a refusal to see reality and is irritating rather than supportive. An automatic “I understand” is very inappropriate if you are not in the same life situation.

What to say instead: “I can’t even imagine what this is like for you. But if you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

DO NOT INVALIDATE THE CHOICE OF THE PERSON WHO WENT TO THE FRONT

Phrases such as “they chose this themselves,” “why did she go there?”, “how could he leave you here alone?” are extremely inappropriate. Respect for another person’s choice is the foundation of vulnerable communication and the key to providing support.

What to say instead: “Thank you for having your partner protect us.”

DO NOT INVALIDATE THE FEELINGS AND FEARS OF THE PERSON WHO IS WAITING

“Others have it even worse,” “everything is fine,” “don’t work yourself up,” “I have a hard time too, but I’m not falling apart like this” - all of these invalidate feelings. We often say such things not out of concern for the person in front of us, but to protect ourselves from someone else’s pain. It is better to recognize this and refrain from such comments. It is completely normal to be unable to forget that your loved one is at risk of losing their life at any moment. It is normal to feel fear because of this, and pain over the lost time that was supposed to be a peaceful life together.

Other extremes of invalidation are exaggeration and pity. Don’t behave as if someone has died or is certain to die. Fear should be acknowledged and accepted: don’t forbid it, but don’t impose it either.

What to say instead: “That really hurts. I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

DO NOT GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE

You may mean well when you say “do something” or “you should go out more,” but it is perceived as pressure and rejection (the other person hears: “Do something about yourself already”). If you really want to suggest a solution, do it gently, based on the person’s experience rather than as an instruction.

What to say instead: “How do you feel when you go for a walk?”, “What helps you take your mind off things?”

So, the best support you can offer is recognition and involvement. Just be there, don’t turn away, listen and truly hear. Each of us has our own struggle, in which we are alone with ourselves 24/7. The opportunity to share this burden with someone, even for a little while, is priceless.